OPTIONS WHEN DAYS DON'T TURN OUT TO BE THE WAY WE HOPED THEY WOULD ...

In reading my Birthday Blog from last year, May 30th 2008, it’s clear to me now that I was feeling the need to count my blessings and, in so doing, hoped to encourage all of you to do the same.

But, for each of us, much happens in a year – occasions we have celebrated, friendships which have enriched our lives and, unfortunately, challenges we’ve had to overcome.  As for the challenges, we can only hope that we've handled them with grace and dignity.

So, while I still wish to count my blessings – my husband, my children and grandchildren heading my personal list – I also have learned that there are times when it is absolutely necessary to be selfish and to take care of myself, even at the expense of not spending time with nor offering myself to those whom I love the most.

The lesson is one that I have consistently attempted to teach my patients and when friends have opted to teach it to me, it has not landed on deaf ears.  However, it is one that I admit to not practicing often enough.

So, on this my 68th birthday, I hope all of you who are attempting to contact me (remembering that it is my birthday)understand that I am opting to respect my private space in a need to interrupt a bad migraine cycle. In doing so, I hope to be modeling - for any of you who may need such a model - that we do not honor ourselves nor truly make ourselves available to others when we do not take proper care of ourselves, even on a day which happens to a birth-day.

Don’t misunderstand me, though. I do think it’s necessary to celebrate our lives and whatever we feel we have accomplished.  It’s just that this year, with a bit of saging in my aging, I simply recognize the need to opt to act differently … and hope that in doing so I reach my goal to feel better and am not, of course, hurting anyone in the process of doing so.

With best wishes for good health and happy birthdays to one and all ~ Linda

             THE ORANGE ON THE TABLE!

One of Webster's definitions for the word "secret" is something "concealed" or "hidden." Yet, in the context of friendships or families, secrets are neither concealed nor hidden.  More often than not, they are incidents, experiences, or feelings that when not talked about and not validated result in pretenses for what is real, pretenses which inevitably lead to confusion or betrayal of trust at best and madness at worst.

Imagine a child seeing an orange on a table proudly announcing to whoever is present that there is an orange on the table. Yet, instead of affirming his observation and being told that there is, in fact, an orange on the table, he is told that there is no orange at all.

Is such a simple example that different from a denial of any person's reality or perception of reality? Is the potential wounding any less painful or damaging when a husband or wife holds secrets in a marriage or when a boss opts not to make those he employs aware of all that should be known about his "business," or when parents keep secrets from children in a misguided attempt to protect them?

Wherever and whatever the context, when one perceives something is wrong, ominous or merely mysterious and lacks the necessary affirmation from those closest to him, there is erosive damage to the psyche.

What, for example, goes through the mind of a child who one day observes an alcoholic parent falling down the stairs in a drunken stupor when only the day before that same parent seemed to be perfectly healthy? And what is that child to believe when he questions: "What is happening?" and is then told: "Nothing is happening. Everything is fine."

The point here is that years ago we were not educated about the lasting scars of deception. We didn't understand that even young children are aware of much more than we credit them with knowing and that they deserve to be treated accordingly. It is not best - as was once believed - to remain silent, to say nothing in an attempt to protect them from sad or even dangerous situations. We now know that keeping such secrets does just the opposite of offering protection. It merely impedes their ability to trust what they are seeing and hearing.

This is as true for adults as it is for children, but with children, the judgment call is to know what is age-appropriate to tell and what is not. Yet, the key word is "tell." For tell we must, if the next generation and the one that follows is to have the capacity to trust what they see and what they hear. Only then will they be far less likely to make poor choices and act out in destructive ways.

As I see it, if we wish our children to value themselves as much as we value them, we must not foster the keeping of secrets, since we know that secrets inevitably color, erase or corrode any experience.

It is our responsibility as spouses, parents, teachers, or preachers to affirm what any individual expresses his reality to be. If the person does not reflect a dysfunction within his environment but the dysfunction is instead a result of his own internal life gone awry, then trained therapists should know how to diagnose and treat such a person. However, it is more likely that when we deceive others by keeping secrets and thereby lose their trust, emotional scars will form, reactions will be triggered, and negative behaviors will become the new norm. That is not a norm any of us should strive to create!

Nurturing trust is essential to maintain healthy relationships, and to be nurturing is to acknowledge the orange on the table!

*For examples of what I am addressing here, please read my memoir FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS: A Psychotherapist's Journey Into and Beyond Her Mother's Mental Illness or follow this Blog, A Psychotherapist's Journey at beyondatrauma.blogspot.com.

Have a great week and please check in again next Sunday!

~ Linda

SOME THOUGHT ABOUT SOME BIG QUESTIONS:

                                       

For all of us who feel surrounded by internal and external chaos these days, I wonder if you, too, find yourself cherishing more than ever the simple pleasures of life: time with family and friends, rewards from a successful day’s work, and appreciation for even a modicum of good health. Does all that seem to you to be at a premium when the world is becoming overwhelmed by the flu epidemic, when the politics and economics around the globe seem to be nothing short of disastrous, and when – perhaps due to all the stressors incurred – we find too many people acting in irresponsible, inconsiderate, unacceptable ways?

Regarding the title of this Blog: one of the big questions that consumes my thoughts - more often than not - is man’s inhumanity to man, and not just on the battlefronts of war.  I fear people who taut their religiosity but who act in ways that betray their own definitions for what it means to be good and/or religious. Surely, I don't judge them by how often they attend church or temple or whether or not they pray or give money to charities.

Rather, I consider a person to be religious based on the deeds he or she manages to accomplish. To my way of thinking, people who are narcissistic, thinking and acting only when it suits their needs are not religious . Those who are willing to abuse the rights of others (whether it be one country abusing another, a man abusing a woman, parents abusing children or children abusing parents) … such people are not religious, nor are they spiritual (two words too often used interchangeably).

I agree with historians who claim that most of the world’s wars were and continue to be fought for so-called religious differences, greed, and all sorts of sacrilegious reasons. Yet, life experiences have taught me (as I am nearing 70) that it matters not whether people are religiously affiliated or even whether they believe in one God, many gods or no God. What is significant is what they do in their lives: the acts of kindness they perform; their ability to love and be in healthy, give-and-take relationships; the knowledge that being in control of themselves is challenging enough but that they do not have the right to control others … and that applies to all relationships - not only to those between nations, but those in the workplace, as well as those in any given marriage or friendship.

Returning to my current thoughts about religion: I find myself meeting (as I assume you have as well) too many people who use their religion to hide behind, giving structure to their otherwise empty lives and protecting them from superstitious beliefs that bind them to ancient history but don’t allow them to participate in making history.

When I travel through the countryside and feel wonderfully overwhelmed by nature’s beauty, I think it impossible that wars are actually occurring on almost every continent; that man has forgotten about the need to nurture his environment despite the fact that his environment has nurtured him; and that people have yet to learn – if they ever will – to live in harmony with one another and with the world that has been given to us. After all, what is the pay-off for being discordant with nature’s bounty?

Yet, in spite of all that I have just said, what keeps me going and what allows me to remain heartened is the spirit of some of our young people who are attempting to heal our planet and our people, giving freely of their time and energy. They include the thousands of people who will be marching in N.Y.C. and elsewhere tomorrow to raise money for the research/treatment and cures for cancers (my youngest daughter amongst them); the scientists and physicians (men and women) who are volunteering all over the world to help treat those who are suffering from diseases that are still destroying too many lives; the scholars who are attempting to give women the tools needed to negotiate for the preservation of their God-given rights in places as far away as Africa … these are the people and this is the spirit that give me whatever hope I have.


So, while the big questions remain ... including the ones about how we ultimately define ourselves as human beings and decide what goals we wish to attain, I am reminded of what a friend refers to when talking about aging. He thinks of those of us who are "seniors" as being in our "saging years.” In that spirit, I choose to believe and share with you my belief that good will outwit evil, that given the law of averages, no matter how long it takes, whether or not we consider ourselves to be "religious," our deeds will always and forever define who we are and count for whatever contributions we make or do not make to preserve a world that is civilized.

Please share with me what you think defines who we are as individuals and nations in this 21st century and how we can best maintain our dignity, safety and sanity.

Best to all ~ Linda